May 17

May 17 Presence

Today I must write about presence. Total immersion in the moment you are in.

For so long now, I’ve been exploring the world of presence. Ive read numerous books by Buddhists. I’ve meditated. I’ve sat in the woods for 3 days straight with just the trees and my notebook as companions. I’ve thought that ‘someday’ when my little ones are grown, when i can meditate EVERY day, when i can walk in the woods and have total silence and space for all the time i need to just ‘be’, then I will know what is described, by these masters of spirit, by presence.

But just yesterday, in the simplest of moments i experienced the deepest kind of presence.

I was in the kitchen with my littlest, Rainier. We were giggling and he was twirling his long curly locks with that wide eyed smile of his and just being 3. Suddenly, we locked eyes and instead of the big hug that usually emerges from this moment with us, instead we just stood there, inches apart gazing at one another. I felt my entire being soften. Almost like a disappearing of sorts where only my eyes and his existed. The tantricas would call this ‘eye gazing’ i am sure. An ecstatic and blissful state of truly seeing another and allowing yourself to be seen. I didnt need to name it. I just allowed it to grow and be just what it was.

So here we are, two little Tantricas looking at one another, a cloud of white peaceful energy building around us and holding us in its’ hold. And then, gently, Rainier glided into my arms and lay his little head in the crook of my neck. He took a long breath and so did I. And for minutes, long minutes we held each other. Waves of some beautiful washing force bathed us as we just were there with one another fully. And i had this single thought.

Stay here.

I did not move. I watched as a part of me would already have squeezed him and told him how much i loved him and rubbed his head and returned to cutting carrots. I watched that one be very quiet and curious.

Stay here.

It whispered again and I can only explain the feeling to say that for moments there was nothing else. Just this melding of ourselves, our total relaxation, our love resting in some quiet pool of nothingness….no sound, no words, no to-do’s, no shoulds...and i’m sure this is what the Buddhists call, no mind. It soothed me and awakened me as all my senses aligned to subtleties one might feel if a butterfly gently landed on your skin, the barely brushing but deep feeling of awe.

How do I stay here?

When some beautiful yogi or ones without children ask me about my practice or how i find time to practice meditatively, i often quote a wise elder who once said to me, ‘If you can become fluid in your transitions between your four children, moving in presence to each one with calmness, you will have achieved ‘zen master’. “ Our own lives, in every moment, give us the chance to practice being fully there. Not missing anything. We don’t need a complicated practice separate from our lives. We only need to actually be in our lives. Being in the sweetness I experienced this morning, fully. Allowing the frustration or tears with another, fully. Screaming in the woods at the injustices or pain we feel, with fullness and wholeness, bringing just who we are, and how we feel in that moment.

This morning, i felt i held a lifetime of experience. It felt so rich that is was more than i sometimes take away from an entire week of my life. It was that powerful.

Presence can shift the light, ever so slightly, from a moment of mediocrity, to a lens of deep gratitude.

All in one simple breath.