Turning Toward

This is how my heart feels right now. Why do we turn away instead of toward? Because we are so afraid to see, in those we love, what we saw when we were little. Oh, but the little ones...so pure we were once upon a time to always always run to our mama or papa's arms.

Abandonment. Distrust. Rejection.

And it leaves us feeling not enough and scared as hell in one instant. I have had the feeling of dying this week. Feeling no control and surrendering to what is and the unknown. Remembering when I was little and emotionally not met, how it did feel I could die if my parents didn't connect to me.

It is ancient, and it is fresh when triggered by one who has been invited into the deepest places inside me and is suddenly withdrawn. I return to compassion. I hold myself in the night. I love all that is even as it breaks me open a bit more.

I speak of vulnerability often. I am being tested. To be vulnerable is to be willing to show all those parts of yourself (you'd rather not) and ask another to hold them gently and never use them against you nor violate them. The healing work is to build a new paradigm for myself...where people do show up and we are the healers who help one another, salve to the wounds. I am willing. And I also am tender and human. I am seeing where I need self-care and return always to tending myself first.

Breath, Nature, Music, Dance, Friends. Thank you.

I am a bit of a wreck really, but by allowing it and witnessing...then I am available to myself. I won't hide it. I'm using every tool I have to remember I am loved and bring calm. My bad ass self has been screaming in the woods, and crying next to burning sage bundles, shaking in my kitchen, and writing songs to my beloved, to bring him home...and to my own heart to keep her home and at the center of my warm hearth.

and all the while, I am also writing love stories to the little one inside of him and I and all of you. Knowing if we stay with the feelings and allow the shift we can heal.

And IF.. I never abandon myself...never.

Well that is the most important love of all.